It’s a hard question. And one that many people ask quietly.
Why would someone hurt the person they claim to care about? Why does it seem so intentional at times, and yet so justified in their mind?
The answer is not simple. But it becomes clearer when you stop looking only at behavior and start looking at the beliefs underneath it.
Because abusive behavior doesn’t come out of nowhere.
It comes from values. Learned, reinforced, and often unexamined. Lundy Bancroft extensively studied abusive people and their patterns, and the myths behind them.
Abuse Is Rooted in Beliefs
Abuse isn’t just about anger. It’s about what someone believes they are allowed to do.
Beliefs like:
- “I can hurt you if I feel uncomfortable”
- “I am more important than you”
- “You should accept me no matter how I act”
- “If you challenge me, I can tear you down”
These are not just thoughts. They are internal rules someone is operating from.
And when those rules go unchecked, they show up as control, manipulation, intimidation, or harm.
The Role of Entitlement
At the core of many abusive patterns is entitlement.
A belief that:
- one’s feelings matter more
- one’s perspective is the only valid one
- one has the right to control, dismiss, or overpower another
This is not about losing control.
It’s about believing control is yours to take.
Distorted Reality and Control
The belief: “I can establish reality to my liking.”
This shows up as:
- denying things that happened
- rewriting events
- making the other person question themselves
This is often referred to as gaslighting.
And over time, it can deeply impact someone’s sense of reality, safety, and self-trust.
Why People Stay
This is the part that often gets misunderstood.
People don’t stay because they don’t see it.
They stay because:
- they hope it will change
- they’ve been made to feel responsible
- their nervous system has adapted to the cycle
- they remember the good and minimize the harm
Abuse is rarely constant. It often comes in cycles.
And those cycles create confusion.
The Nervous System Component
This isn’t just psychological. It’s physiological.
When someone is in a relationship where there is unpredictability, criticism, or fear, their nervous system adapts.
They may:
- feel anxious or hyper-aware
- struggle to leave even when they want to
- feel relief in moments of calm, even if harm follows
Research supported by the National Institutes of Health shows that patterns of stress and attachment can become deeply wired in the body.
This is why leaving is not just a decision.
It’s a process.
Abuse Is Not Caused by You
One of the most important things to understand is this.
Abuse is not caused by the person experiencing it.
It is not because you said something wrong.
It is not because you reacted emotionally.
It is not because you “triggered” someone.
It comes from the other person’s beliefs, patterns, and inability or unwillingness to take responsibility for their behavior.
Can These Patterns Change?
Of course it is true that an abuser’s values and patterns can change.
BUT only when the person:
- takes full responsibility
- recognizes the harm
- actively works to change their beliefs and behavior
Change does not happen through pressure, pleading, or patience from the other person. It happens through accountability and willingness to change.
What Healthy Looks Like
Healthy relationships are built on very different values.
- respect
- accountability
- emotional safety
- mutual care
- the ability to repair after conflict
There is no fear in expressing yourself.
There is no punishment for having needs.
There is no need to shrink to keep the peace.
Learn more about healthy relationships here.
What This Means for You
If you’ve found yourself questioning someone’s behavior, minimizing your own experience, or wondering if something is “really that bad,” it’s worth pausing and looking at the patterns, not just the moments.
Ask yourself how you feel in the relationship consistently. Not just during the good times, but overall. Do you feel safe, respected, and able to be yourself without fear of being torn down?
You don’t need to label everything immediately. But you do deserve clarity, safety, and support. And the more you understand what drives harmful behavior, the easier it becomes to see what is not aligned with the kind of relationship you deserve.
Click here for more resources and information on relationships.
Start Here
There’s no question that stress is a major global health concern, and interpersonal conflict and violence remain highly prevalent. If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or unsatisfied in your relationships, you’re not alone. Individually and collectively, many are simply unwell.
Simple Mom Wellness exists to change this by providing accessible, practical tools that support individuals and families around the globe in building healthy bodies, healthy minds, and healthy relationships. You can be part of this change today. Explore our online programs, join an upcoming event, or get involved by donating or volunteering.
We also invite you to join The Regulation Room, a weekly guided opportunity to gather and regulate. Together, we’re building healthy minds, healthy bodies, and healthy relationships so people can move through life feeling confident, calm, and connected.
Many people begin with:
For communication patterns and relationship dynamics, Calm in the Chaos provides practical tools for staying grounded and clear.
Thank you for supporting our mission.
Leave a Reply